Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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