So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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