My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
smell my finger.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
