when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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