A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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