i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
