just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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