I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
