Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
