I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
