My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
