I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
