i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
