I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
