We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
