Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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