I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
