I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Houston, we have a squirter
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
