Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize