happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
