I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
