upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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