I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
