Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My hand turned me down
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
