im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
