i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
