I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
