It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
