Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
