After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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