It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
