I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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