i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
