WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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