mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
