no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
