We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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