I just saw a hot homeless man
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize