When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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