During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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