well I can't set my house on fire every night
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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