i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize