Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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