Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
