My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
