pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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