This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize