Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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