Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
