Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize