It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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