I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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