6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize