I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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