Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
