I accidentally burped into my bong.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
3 2 1 whiskey
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Holy sore nipples Batman
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
