Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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