just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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