She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
