You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
